When Kindness Comes with a Wink: Confronting Passive Virtue in Disability Advocacy
When Kindness Comes with a Wink…
After a recent article about our work was published, I received a variety of beautiful and engaged responses. speaking kindly and supportively while telling of how our work has impacted their awareness and understanding even though they are on the shirt tails
One, however, struck a different tone, polite on the surface, but edged with a subtle, “holier-than-me” criticism.
I’ve been deeply moved by the thoughtful messages following the recent article about our work. Hearing how it has helped expand awareness and understanding means so much. Even for those who feel they’re on the periphery of this effort, please know that every bit of engagement, curiosity, and conversation adds to the momentum. This work grows through shared insight and sincere connection, and I’m grateful to each of you for being part of it.
One, however, struck a different tone, polite on the surface, but edged with a subtle “holier-than-me” criticism. I’ve learned to take such moments as reminders that meaningful work often stirs a mix of reactions. When we challenge perceptions or touch sensitive ground, not everyone will meet it with the same openness. Still, I value the exchange, because even tension can spark deeper understanding. Our work isn’t about perfection; it’s about progress, humility, and a shared willingness to grow.
I’ve removed real personal identifiers but kept the context clear so it can be shared publicly.
Original Letter:
“As a kid, we had a poodle named Gigi. I never realized where the breed name came from, the English breed-name arises from the German pudel, pudelin, meaning to splash in a puddle. In French, the breed is called Caniche or ‘duck dog.’
I appreciated learning more about the effort to show kindness to all people. Hollywood and popular culture have too long celebrated a certain body type, color, and wealth. It’s good to see this changing.
It’s been a lesson I’ve shared with classmates who weren’t among ‘the popular or smart kids’, like XX and XXXX.
I’ve been blessed to witness this spirit of unity and compassion for all people, particularly in my faith, as taught by my parents and those who loved and cared for me as a child and now as an adult. My hope and daily prayer is to ‘Pass it On.’
I know many who exemplify this spirit of selfless giving and love for others daily. They live through giving in their communities and across the country, supporting medical missions and personal acts of kindness. My hunch is that many more quietly serve in ways we may never see.
I enjoyed the article and applaud the good work being done for others. What a blessing this must be for your sense of purpose.
Peace, Love, and Blessings,
XXX, Class of ’75
Follow-Up Exchange:
Janie: Both our classmates, XX and XXX are incredibly talented and well-regarded.
XXX: Agreed 100%.
Janie: But that’s not what you said.
XXX: I’m sorry you misinterpreted my words. Of course, they’re incredibly talented and fine, but they were perceived as different. I have never subscribed to that type of thinking. They are my friends.
Janie’s Response
You know what disability feels like, not as a concept, but in your bones. And that’s precisely why your response to the article was so disappointing.
You spoke of quiet kindness, heavenly rewards, and admiration from a distance, but barrier-free living for all abilities doesn’t come from distance or silence. It comes from hard, visible, relentless advocacy. From speaking up, pushing systems to change, and being unafraid to challenge comfort, especially the comfort of those with means.
You’ve had access to the best care and support privileges many in our community will never see. And yet instead of aligning with this work, you responded with a patronizing, spiritually veiled message that dismissed the urgency of what we fight for. That’s not compassion, XXX. That’s comfort wrapped in virtue-signaling.
Let’s be real; if your faith means something, or your survival means anything, then invest it where it counts. Don’t send poetic reflections, send resources. Stand with the people who haven’t had the same safety net you’ve enjoyed.
MobilityDog is on the ground, removing barriers every single day through service dog programs, educational workshops, inclusive events, and direct community empowerment. We were invited to Taiwan to ride 402.336 kilometers around the island and model what a barrier-free nation for all abilities can look like. The government and tourism board understood. Why don’t you?
Your comments were cruel. We are advocating for change, and you answered with kumbaya. You spoke of selfless acts while name-dropping the quiet heroes you admire, all while subtly invalidating those of us who refuse to stay silent. That’s not humility, it’s a backhanded slap, and sadly, it’s all too familiar from people who hide behind symbols to excuse their inaction.
We went ahead anyway. Because we knew how important this event was for our community, families, educators, service providers, and individuals with disabilities who need resources now, not later. We didn’t back down, even when it meant shouldering the financial hit ourselves.
Maybe for May 2, 2026, you’ll consider donating an accessible trailer for the raffle. That kind of tangible support makes a real impact. Or maybe you would like to support our wheelchair athlete who needs a sponsor. Or perhaps you don’t want anything to do with us.
So I’ll ask plainly: why is it so hard for you to treat me with respect? “What a blessing this must be for your sense of purpose,” XXX wrote, “What a blessing this must be for your sense of purpose.” I want to be clear: this work is not about finding my sense of purpose; it’s about dismantling barriers that marginalize and exclude real people every day.
Framing advocacy as a personal blessing reduces it to a feel-good project when in reality it’s hard, often invisible work born out of necessity, not inspiration. It’s not a hobby. It’s survival.
When people with power or privilege respond with detached admiration instead of engagement, it reinforces the exact systems we’re trying to break. If you see value in this work, show it by standing with us, not by offering spiritual pleasantries from a distance.
We’ll figure it out. We always do, and we will keep moving forward because everyone matters. Yes, I will figure it out and take responsibility for our decisions and actions as we move forward with aplomb.